There are two things I could write about. I could write how I met one of my heroes of the theatre, how he inspired me, the stories he had to tell, the little anecdotes, and how I was all fired up and ready to take on the world afterwards. I could write about that, and I started, but then I got honest with myself and realised that nobody really wants to read that bullshit. Boring same old story in which I would end up imparting wisdom onto the reader in the hope to awaken the same joy that I myself experienced. What a fuck show that would have been. So I am going to write about how this person decided to take a shit on the tube at St Pauls Station. Without any irony, I feel this is more important to hear.
So I was on the tube going to work, head buried in a book so as to avoid eye contact with the other drones (I am well trained now) and someone took a shit on the tube. Don’t get me wrong, I mean that in the literal sense, someone didn’t do something shitty, someone in fact did a shit. They did a shit, inside the train, a train not built to house such shits, or any shits of any type.
I wasn’t on the same carriage as the man who did the shit. I don’t know why I assume it was a man, it could have been a woman, I just have trouble picturing a woman doing a shit on the tube for some reason. That’s probably sexist in some way. Women are just as capable of doing a shit in such a place. One wouldn’t call that a lady but still, a female is fully capable of many things that men don’t want to picture.
Anyway I wasn’t on the same carriage as the person who took the shit but the reason why I know it happened is because we were delayed. The man over the speaker phone, and this is the most fascinating part of the whole adventure, says, and I want you to imagine Michael Caine’s voice: “Ladies and gentlemen we are delayed at St Pauls station because somebody has done a big smelly poo in the train”
Now this for me is hilarious. The man said “big smelly poo”. He took the time to describe this shit by using the words “big” and “smelly”. It’s such a silly thing to hear over a speaker phone. It was actually a very sweet thing to say because all the official humdrum and drone had gone out of his voice and suddenly he was just a sweet old man talking about a big poo. That’s what people do, they say stuff like “smelly poo” and I found myself thinking, you know, this man must be a loving father or a jolly uncle, and it was so nice to hear a phrase as colloquial and down to earth as “watch out for the big smelly poo” when you are surrounded by the everyday coldness and wretch of the London underground. There was a warmth in his voice that smuggled itself in on the back of that ridiculous sentence. I was comforted.
Back to the shit. So I sat there thinking about it and my conclusion was that there are only two possible reasons why this person, male or female, decided to shit on the tube. Only two:
1) He/she made a huge miscalculation. Just a bad decision.
2) He/she was a rebel.
Option 2 means that the person thought:” fuck you society I will shit on your tube”. I hope it was option 2, not because I want society to go fuck itself but because if it was option 2 then it shows the person wasn’t a complete fucken idiot. It shows forward planning, it shows tactics. Option 1 is just, I mean, what are you doing? Don’t shit on the tube for fuck sakes. Why shit on the tube?
Was there an option 3? That the person did it by mistake? I thought about that for a while and I ruled it out. If you shit by mistake, maybe you are drunk or sick, then that shit gets everywhere. Down your pants, on the floor, everywhere. This shit seemed to be isolated. There seemed to be a very definite area where the shit was and therefore you could identify a route around it where the shit wasn’t. The man over the speakers said “please avoid the smelly poo when exiting the doors”. See I told you he was a lovely man. But this says to me that the shit was in a designated area and when you shit yourself your shit doesn’t isolate itself to specific areas. This was planned. It was planned either badly, option 1, or perfectly option 2.
Either this person walked away from his shit… I still picture a man doing this and I must apologise, I am 100 per cent behind women’s equality and I know in all fairness I should also picture a woman squatting down and laughing while she shits in the face of society. Either this person walked away from his shit a proud man with a job well done or ran away horribly embarrassed once he realized he took a shit on the tube.
It could also have been a dog, in which case I have spent the last half an hour day dreaming about men or women shitting on the tube.