Everyone will get to a stage in their life where they ask the question “how do I not die of starvation?”
For some people, the clever ones, this dilemma is solved by getting an actual job. See what happens here is they get the job, get paid and they use that money to buy the food and then eat it. It’s all pretty simple. The other breed is of course, the stupid ones, the freelancers, and our path is paved with panic, anxiety and slippery with booze. However I think I may have a solution to the above question, and I repeat, “how do I not die of starvation?” Let me share this recipe with you. Let me bestow my wisdom unto thee.
The Solution: Learn To Love Baked Beans. Stay with me now, it’s not as simple as that. The operative word here is Love.
Get a can of baked beans. Fuck it, get two. See now you are planning ahead, a quality any actor should have. Now you have organised breakfast and lunch. Things will be looking up round about now.
Get some rice.
Get a title. This is really important because if you frame your baked beans within a title it makes it all the tastier and your chances of not dying increase. I call mine Cowboy Night. You can get your own title or stick with Cowboy Night, I am not possessive over this process at all. If you can throw some whiskey in with Cowboy Night then, my friend, you are laughing with the gods. I can get so much joy from beans, whiskey and a cowboy hat that it would be a sin not to share this. Yea, you need a cowboy hat.
So as a freelancer (actor, writer, drunk…whatever) you will probably be living in a house share of sorts. Steal that persons garlic. They don’t count the cloves. Freelancing forces you to see the detail. Steal that persons mixed herbs (what fucken herbs are in mixed herbs exactly?) and their tabasco sauce. This is another great exercise for the actor, learning how to lie.
First step, cook the rice but cook it stodgy. This is not a luncheon, you need to make that rice dirty rice to go with your dirty beans and dirty thoughts. You want this rice to remind you of your grandmother’s neighbour in the old age home, the one who was always sticky and dribbly but who always fascinated you in the “holy fuck how is this old lady even doing stuff?” kinda way. It’s only rice like that that can take on the beans you are about to harvest in stolen garlic, tobasco and mystery herbs.
Fry some garlic into some olive oil and flavour it with the herbs and all the tobasco sauce in the world. The cowboy hat is a plus, at this stage you should be drunk enough to really get into character.
Now the beans are ready. Next eat the beans, BUT WITH A SPOON. That’s just the way it has to be done, I am sorry.
If you do all of this, with the hat, the accent, the thievery and the whiskey I promise you will be so happy that the stress of being a freelancer will float away like a shipwreck into the back of your drunk head. You will be so happy that you will have to phone somebody and tell them how truly wonderful Cowboy Night was and if they don’t understand that then just tell them that their life is shit and hang up laughing.
And that is how I avoid dying.
Warning: Never use this as a date night or to impress anybody, this is strictly a survival operation.
And here is some recommended music for Cowboy Night.