I was called into the bank today for a review of my account. I hate banks. Of those odd little moments when I actually do have money inside a bank I get it out of there as soon as possible so as to not have anything to do with these places of evil.
I soon learn’t that you can’t avoid banks your whole life and sometimes they find you and call you out for this hideous meeting where they review your account. It’s an embarrassing experience both for the bank and myself.
Turns out they wanted to sell me life insurance. This is how the conversation went:
(Take into account that I am walking in already confused and panic stricken with flash backs to school days which are a different type of hell to banks but which occupy the same pockets of fear that spiral around in my head and therefore in seeing a bank all the fears come crashing together like a gang of juicy bugs suiciding on the windscreen of your new BMW. I liken my brain to a new BMW but now it has bugs on it. Bugs of fear)
Bank: Hello Mr Sparrow please take a seat
Scott: Hi thanks. Hi.
Scott: Hello I am Scott
Bank: Hello Mr. Sparrow
At this point Bank starts typing some evil code on his magical computer and I don’t know what’s happening. After this lasts way too long Bank turns back to me.
Bank: We would like to offer you life insurance in the event of your death
Scott: The what?
Bank: The event of your death. The bank now feels you have qualified for the event of your death.
Scott: Jesus. When is that scheduled?
Bank: The event of your death?
Scott: That one yes.
Bank: You never know these things. But should you die…
Scott: It’s just the way you use the word event…I didn’t realise it was going to be such a thing.
Bank: We now feel that you are qualified for such an event to be supported by life insurance. Congratulations.
Bank: Here is a list of possible diseases you could die from. I have them here written down and shall read them out to you. It’s policy.
And I swear to the gods that he reads me out a long list of ways I could die at which stage my focus starts to falter and things become fuzzy, but I think it went something like this;
Bank: You could die from: AIDS, CANCER, HEART ATTACK, CANCER IN YOUR RECTUM, STRANGULATION BY A CRIMINAL, CAR CRASHES, MALARIA, DAYLIGHT ROBBERY IN A BANK, RAPE, STONES THROWN AT HEAD, ANIMAL ATTACKS SUCH AS DEER OR ESCAPED LIONESS, FALLING OFF A SCARED HORSE BECAUSE THE HORSE SMELLS WHAT IT THINKS MIGHT BE A LIONESS ATTACKING YOU, GETTING TRAPPED UNDER A LOG…
Scott: These are really specific events. Is this based on research? Do these events actually happen to people?
Bank: Daily…please don’t interrupt, these are the events of death that you are now qualified for…MALARIA, REVENGE, SNAKE ATTACK, TRAGIC DOLPHIN ATTACK, PEOPLE WHO WILL KICK YOUR HEAD AT A FOOTBALL MATCH, DROWNING IN HEAVY CLOTHES, DARK ALLEY WAYS, THE LOVE FOR DRUGS, TOO MUCH EXHAUSTION, STRESS, MORE AIDS, TRICKSTERS SUCH AS FAKE DATES, THE SEX TRADE, ANGRY BEES AND WASPS, BIG BUSES, FALLING DOWN AWKWARDLY, PEOPLE FALLING ON YOUR HEAD FROM THE BUILDINGS ABOVE YOU, STEPPING ON AN ATTACKER, TRYING TO RESCUE STRAY DOGS WHO BITE YOUR FACE, TRYING TO RESCUE OLD STUBBORN MEN IN TRAFFIC, TRAFFIC, RELIGION, OLD SCHOOL ENEMIES, EMOTIONAL DISTANCE, ELEPHANT TRUNKS, RACE WARS, CAR RACES, HIPPIES ON ACID WHO FEEL THREATENED BY YOUR TENT, UNEVEN STAIRCASES, SOME SPIKES.
Scott: Listen man I could possibly die of any of these events at any minute but…
Bank: And that’s why we are offering you life insurance…in the event of your death
Scott: Could you please stop saying in the event of my death. It sounds like it’s already been locked down as a thing. It’s like I have to shift my plans.
Bank: We all die Mr Sparrow
Scott: I know but…ok…give me a second here…what happens if I die, what does life insurance do?
Bank: It sends the money to your next of kindred spirit.
Bank: Your children
Scott: But I don’t have any children
Bank: Ha! That’s what you think. I am here to tell you not only about the event of your death but you also have…
Scott: Holy fuck
Bank: Just kidding. We like to keep things light and hilarious here.
Scott: Come on! Now I feel kinda dizzy, I might throw up on your desk.
Bank: DEATH FROM FAKE NEWS OF KIDS!!
Scott: Could you take it easy just for a second, I can’t see past my thumbs.
Bank: DEATH FROM PANIC
Scott: Please could you stop!
Bank: These are all very real dangers Mr sparrow
Scott: Yup I am starting to see that now!
Bank: So is that a yes?
Scott: I don’t know…my throat…why do I feel like I have swallowed too much dry muffin…what do I need to do?
Bank: Well as a bank, if we were to offer you life insurance in the event of your death, we only deal with the Scottish Widows.
Scott: The who?
Bank: The Scottish Widows
Scott: Did you bring me in here to confuse and trap me? Are there others watching and laughing?
Bank: Confuse you?
Scott: Oh god I think my tongue is swelling up and crowding my teeth!
Bank: Mr Sparrow in the event of your death
Scott: Oh god in heaven!
Bank: The Scottish Widows in the event of your death
Scott: What have the Scottish got to do with the event of my death?
Bank: The Scottish are a lovely people and have nothing to do with the event of your death.
Scott: But you said…
Bank: The Scottish Widows
Scott: Oh god that’s too specific a thing…what….why do they…
Bank: DEATH BY SCOTTISH WIDOWS
Scott: Whaaaaaaatt?? Jesus man you freaking me out
Bank: Ha just kidding. We like to keep things light and hilarious here. In the event of your death the Scottish Widows…
Scott: I don’t want anything to do with Scottish Widows, they sound ghastly. The Scottish Widows sound truly ghastly! I mean I am sorry for their loss but please make them leave me alone and stop arranging these hateful events.
Bank: No you don’t understand….in the event of your death the institution of Scottish Widows
Scott: Aaaaaahhhhhh fuck my life someone kill me now.
Bank: DEATH BY REQUEST, SUICIDE, BRIDGE JUMP!!!!!!
Scott: Someone help me! Anybody!! The bank has set the Scottish Widows of hell-fire to initiate the event of my death!
Bank: DEATH BY BIG EXPLOSION, BY BRICKS, BY DRAWN OUT CAR CHASES, BY STARVING WITH UNSUCCESSFUL FISHERMEN ON A SMALL BOAT, BY LOTS OF BABOONS IN YOUR KITCHEN AND YOU TRY TO CHASE THEM OUT BUT THEY OUT NUMBER YOU TEN TO ONE AND THEN THEY SHIT ON YOUR WALLS, BY CANON FIRE, BY CROSS RATS.
At this moment I sink back into the chair exhausted as he turns back to his evil computer and types up the life insurance plan
Bank: Life insurance Mr Sparrow in the event of your death
Scott: The Scottish Widows…I know
Bank: You see you understand now…and you looked so worried when you walked in.
I will never understand banks and I will never visit Scotland again in case the prophecies are true.
PS: and I mean this, could someone please tell me what The Scottish Widows mean? I don’t want to Google them in case they see that I have been looking them up and they track my address.