Part 1: An Enquiry
Alan Watts the philosopher and spiritualist said that there can be no happiness without some sort of skill, but Benny Mellors, being the superior thinker, came to the conclusion that the best thing that can happen to a man, where happiness is concerned, is to be on the receiving end of a blowjob. Benny however had to concede to Watts that the acquisition of a blowjob may indeed take a significant amount of skill. Naturally something has to happen between the initial hi there and the final staring down the barrel of a penis stage in order for blowjob access to be granted and it is within this precarious time frame that the skill needs to be exercised.
(As a side note: It is one of the sad truths of human nature that once blowjob access has been granted for a couple of years then the level of skill required tends to fade out of existence. This is an unfortunate situation that many people find themselves in called MARRIAGE. It is within this state that blowjobs, along with the skill and charm that usually entice them, will disappear altogether and it becomes clear here that the lack of skill is synonymous with the lack of happiness and what you end up with, in this situation particularly, is a neutered state of apathy and the odd birthday blowjob. It is a case where skill is replaced by arrangement and arrangement is King Buzzkill when it comes to being in love with someone)
One can also reduce the required skill for the acquisition of a blowjob by simply paying for it- another type of arrangement-but Benny thought that this short-cut may ultimately dull the final act. Short cuts will cancel out the necessity for skill but also leave the final goal feeling a little undeserved. If you can convince someone to suck on your willy for free then you must have done something awesome as a human being. There must be some sort of allure which is generated by your skill. (People with good looks have to practice less skill and that is why they are all stupid and one day when they lose their looks then their blowjobs will run dry. When they reach that age when their good looks leak off their faces they will then panic and try to acquire a set of skills that rekindle an interest in their genitalia and this is called A MID-LIFE CRISIS.)
According to Benny there are 3 reasons why people suck on willys.
1) they are paid for it
2) have fallen into some sort of ghastly marriage arrangement
3) they make their decision based on the evidence of skill that is presented to them which is exhibited in a series of meetings called DATES.
The third reason is the only area where any happiness is present and so it is the only one that concerns Benny in his studies. The skill level of the male applicant can be measured by how many DATES he goes on before blowjob fun comes a knocking. The less dates one has before this stage is reached the finer the skill in the blowjob application. Fine Mr Watts, skill is required for true happiness.
Benny chooses blowjobs as a context for his enquiry into happiness as the joy is both anticipatory and immediate. Anticipatory in the sense that you can’t wait for it to happen and everything you do, the way you dress, guitar lessons, showering and being nice to puppies, is all fuelled with the anticipatory pleasure that what you choose to do as a human being could result in a blowjob. So much so that Benny believed that morality did not have it’s anchor in an all seeing all loving deity but rather in this very simple act which a man will do just about anything for.
However the part that produces the most happiness, assuming you have gone through the necessary anticipatory procedures and are not too good looking, married or soliciting prostitutes, is the immediate pleasure of the act itself and all this requires is the presence of your penis and for you to not say anything stupid during the process…which is in itself a skill to be learnt. Here I quote directly from Benny’s Socratic-like dialogues with his homosexual hombre Pedro Alfonso who is from Japan.
“My dear Pedro I say to you now that once you acquire blowjob invoking skills, such as being really good at tennis or jumping very high and rescuing cats and being able to whistle across long distances and not being a dick to waiters, here are three things you should NOT say during the immediate pleasure of the act.
1) from this angle you look like your mom
2) NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!
3) I want to lay you down on a bed of roses*”
*Benny initially thought that this Bon Jovi lyric would be a hit but unfortunately it confuses the other person. However, in the spirit of empirical study, Pedro Alfonso tried out the line on a lovely German gentleman nicknamed Gorgeous Gustav (his real name was not Gustav at all, but he was gorgeous) who reacted to the line with gusto. So you know…use it don’t use it.
Benny insists that If you can master not saying the above then your blowjob should run smoothly. This will not be easy as most of the time spent trying to lock down your blowjob will be clouded by a calming agent called ALCHOHOL. We take in this ALCHOHOL because the skill required for bagging a blowjob can be overwhelming and induce anxiety and so this tonic acts as an anaesthetic to the nerves and allows our skill, at least in our eyes, to grow to awesome proportions. Gentlemen call this GAME and the ladies call it WELL MOST MEN ARE ASSHOLES SO I NEED TO LOWER MY STANDARDS IF I AM TO GET LAID. But fundamentally it’s the same thing. However there is a paradox; although this ALCHOHOL creates a liberty for the skill to happen it also handicaps our ability to initiate that very skill. There is a tipping point where the ALCHOHOL reduces all skill to awesome dance moves only which will no doubt result in a blowjob in some alleyway given by an anonymous bystander who is just as blinded by the calming agent as you are and both you and the bystander forget the blowjob the next day and so where is the happiness in that? Again we can see how the reduction in skill results in the dulling of happiness. This is all a fine art. Again I quote from the dialogues:
Benny: My dear Pedro I suggest you write a list of what NOT to say during a blowjob on the back of your hand. Better still, write it on the persons’ head.
Pedro: But what if they are not bald or constantly wear a fashionable hat that they will not have littered with notes and reminders?
Benny: True. One should never interfere with another persons hat. And we do not have to be worldly to know that there are potential blowjob givers out there with a full head of hair that makes for awkward note sticking. Unless you constantly had a pin with which to stick the note it would always fall off and you might forget what NOT to say. Pedro my dear do you carry on your person many pins?
Pedro: Hardly any
Benny: It is settled then, write it on your hand.
Benny could not speak for those who actually performed the act but he could not think of a situation where having a mouthful of willy was better than having your very own willy in a mouth and so being on the receiving end was an important element when it came to regarding happiness.
Benny: My dear Pedro I would find myself rather unhappy with a cock on the inside of my mouth.
Pedro: Ah but Benny surely this is perspective. You see I find it rather divine having a lovely willy to chew on.
Benny: And you admit that having your own willy in another’s mouth is also pleasurable?
Pedro: Oh totally.
Benny: Would you permit me to say, my dear Pedro, that it is therefore always good to receive a blowjob but it is only sometimes divine to give one and in the event of an enquiry into universal happiness the reception of a blowjob carries more mettle?
This is where Benny falls short. What if you don’t have a penis? It follows that you can never be happy. That is so obviously not true that it cannot be the case. So let us extend the word blowjob to include the female receptive version of the act which I shall now, on the behalf of Benny, entitle VAYJAY. You will have to forgive Benny for only writing in the masculine but we can try to extend on his argument to include the feminine. In defence of Benny he could never really speak on behalf of the feminine as he does not own a vagina on his body and so in respect of empirical enquiry he can only talk in terms of what he has, and that is a willy. Females do not have willy’s but they have vagina’s and no one really knows how those things work anyway, not even the females themselves. Like the female thought processors, they have a more involved operating system than the penis but unfortunately there is no instruction manual that comes attached to the female and so a lot of time is wasted pressing the wrong buttons which is not at all conducive to happiness. The event of this is called ONE NIGHT STANDS.
This is why men will attack each other: If you are in a partnership with a vagina that you do not know how to operate and a young lad comes along with more knowledge in that department, then that vagina will makes itself less and less available to you until one day it’s gone forever and all you can do is have an awkward coffee with it’s owner one day. Of course the vagina is present during the coffee but it is probably resting. This situation is called A BROKEN HEART.
(A little side note on the condition of a BROKEN HEART: When we eventually get a broken heart we become a victim of suffering and it is important for us to represent that suffering so that onlookers see it as unique as the pain is so acute. This is why we write poetry and love songs. Then an awful thing happens: people who have gone through the same broken heart syndrome will empathise with your poetry and your tears and that will negate the idea that your suffering is unique. Nobody wants their suffering to be generic or comparable to anyone else especially when it comes to representing it in some form of narrative. There is a whole world out there of people who want the only broken heart ever as that would make for one hell of a story that will shine like a tragic pedestal for their lost love. Unfortunately it is a condition as common as the common house fly and anyone who is in pursuit of a vagina, a willy, a blowjob or a vayjay will eventually stumble upon their BROKEN HEART… even if the initial intention and demonstration of skill was to press all the wrong buttons on A ONE NIGHT STAND. As human beings we will eventually fall in love with the owner of the dick or the vagina we are attending to and so that is how we till the fields for our BROKEN HEART. What is even more tragic is that your loved one and the way you loved her will be lost even in your poetry and stories and all that will be left are a few sentimental scribbles of a generic condition that could be attributed to any author. So yea…enjoy the blowjob side of life because what follows, and excuse the pun, really sucks. However there is one cure to a Broken Heart: when you find the other person is falling out of love with you or you falling out of love with them then just revert back to the arrangement of MARRIAGE. This will cure you of all love and everything that goes with it, blowjobs and broken hearts included, and you can spend the rest of your days safe from anything that concerns the matter of the heart and passion. Just in case you thought that this was an attack on the institution of marriage, there is a plus to the arrangement. We call that TAX BENEFITS.)
The only way to understand vaginas is to try and understand the actual female but this is an even greater task. And sometimes people come out of vaginas, people that were never seen on this earth before. These people that come out of vaginas start off really small and speak in tongues but they eventually learn to mimic normal human beings and take on our form. There are two ways to stop these people from entering our world through the portal of the vagina, which must be linked to some other galaxy hence it’s detailed complexities.
1) Refer back to Benny’s list of top three things NOT to say during a blowjob and actually say them. That way you will not be allowed anywhere near the vagina with your willy.
2) Butt-sex* *Be warned that in recent years Butt-sex has been scientifically proved to be a sin and you will spend the rest of your life in HELLFIRE if you engage it. It is up to the individual to figure out whether or not it is worth it. Basically hell will be full of people who like Butt-sex anyway so if that’s your thing…you know what you gotta do.
In conclusion, blowjobs are awesome and produce a great deal of happiness. What makes them awesome is not only the act itself but the road taken to achieve the act. They are so awesome that we become better and more talented people in order to experience such joys. Also…women have vaginas that are also awesome save for the things that crawl out of them and take away your beer money.