The Ineligible Bachelor

I was very flattered and somewhat surprised to be asked to submit a bio into one of those ‘Eligible Bachelor’ sights. I have met a few Eligible Bachelors before and some of them were just so Eligible that to be placed in the same league as them was a real day brightener. I was asked to make my bio as attractive and spicy as possible and yet to still reflect my true essence as a human being. Thinking it was a joke, what follows is the bio I sent in, as a joke. It was not recieved well and I am sad to inform you that I am in fact not eligible at all.

Scott Sparrow

Failed actor, wannabe writer and anxiety ridden alcoholic, Scott Sparrow will not be able to pay his way on a date. He has little to no sense of humor and will probably try to have sex with your mom….and then your dad…in that order. His hobbies include pushing people out of wheelchairs and then taking selfies with them while they try helplessly to get back up. He has a collection of these sefies which he has made into a calendar for 2016 with inspirational Buddhist qoutes, for example ‘We ourselves must walk the path’ under the selfie with a fallen granny who has just undergone failed hip replacement. He has a cat whom he has forgotten to name and feed and it is now blind, bleeding or dead, probably all three. What he looks for in a woman are nude photos of her best friends and family so that he can post them online. He hates exercise but enjoys watching people getting injured doing it. In his spare time he likes to make fun of the old dying women on the central line between Bank and Ealing. His favorite film is ‘Porky’s Revenge.’ He believes that teeth brush themselves. He is 6.1

They asked me to not bother sending in a picture. I felt bad so I sent them a sad face, an emoticon which signifies the essence of my true human sadness.


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